


i'm the happiest when i'm with you (i hope you were, too)

by ayayatenka



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: 107 words, Angst, Day7-Free, Flashbacks, Goodbyes, Haikyuu Angst Week 2020, I hope you can forgive me, I wish I'd never met you, I'll make it up to all of you soon, I'm so so sorry sakuatsu stans, Longing, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Pro Volleyball Player Miya Atsumu, SakuAtsu, Smiling Sakusa Kiyoomi, Suicide, Supportive and Caring OsaSuna, happiness, peaceful lunchtimes, rooftop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:14:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27362569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ayayatenka/pseuds/ayayatenka
Summary: Happiness isn't just contentment for him. It's something that blooms; it could be the comfort for someone like a sun shining in a nice afternoon; like the first time Miya Atsumu saw Sakusa Kiyoomi smile. It is not selfish; it's to be given, to be shared- to be felt. The giddy feeling that makes you smile and laugh; makes your eyes close with visible wrinkles on your face. It would make your stomach churn; could tint your cheeks pink. It's something natural and genuine- a one of a kind.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi, Miya Osamu/Suna Rintarou
Comments: 14
Kudos: 38
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	i'm the happiest when i'm with you (i hope you were, too)

**Author's Note:**

> tears have been shred- i don't really expect that this is the first fanfic i would ever post on this writing website (is that even right) and to be honest this really drained me as the days pass by. im supposed to post this on the 4th day of HQAngstWeek2020 (to match the illness/death) but i realized that i cant finish it within the deadline (i really suck at deadlines) so here i am posting this in the free day 
> 
> !! [this](https://open.spotify.com/track/1othhMi2WsiF9oLoisJjYW?si=-mhrudq9SLCq_TaIZEgk4w) is the song i got inspired with in writing this fic >.<
> 
> i hope you'll enjoy :DD

—

“What’s happiness for you?”

This was asked to the setter of MSBY, Miya Atsumu, when he was being interviewed after they won neck-to-neck to Schweiden Adlers, with him bringing out Hinata Shouyou and Bokuto Koutarou’s one-hundred-and-twenty percent of their play today. Their captain, Shūgo Meian, had something urgent ( _“emergency”_ , he had said) to go to and there’s actually no one to do the interview ( _“Thomas is out already, Hinata would say ‘bwah, gwah’ and other words the reporter won’t understand and Bokuto... well, he’s so energetic that he’ll just probably scream most of the interview”_ the captain explained) other than him that he left the thing to their setter’s hands to manage. Atsumu agreed, not because he was the only choice, but because he has nothing to do anyway, might as well kill his time by having his face shown up on the audiences’ TVs and getting the thing done.

And now he’s here, swiftly and smoothly answering questions the reporter would throw at him, whether it’s about the game (how they countered Adlers’- Ushijima and Hoshiumi’s powerful attacks and their one-of-a-threat setter, Kageyama) or just about him (what’s his favorite color, food and all that).

Well now, he’s quite stuck.

‘Love’ was the first answer that came to his mind. After all, he’s a setter that sets for love; a setter that sets the ball with love and respect; the right amount of adoration and carefulness, the way his spikers wants the ball to be set, the way his spikers would be satisfied to spike _his_ set. But at the same time, it’s not the answer he wants to voice out. There’s a lot of things that are making him happy: he has a home (thankfully) to go to when his practices or games are finished, his twin brother that offers him delicious food and onigiris (though sometimes he just wants to smack his brother’s face to know what would be like to punch himself), he got to do his passion professionally and he earns money for it, he’s got friends in and outside of the court, and all the other material things he’s grateful for.

“Seems like the setter Miya Atsumu is having a hard time answering this question, huh?” the reporter said, snapping Atsumu out of his thoughts and back to the real world. He was carried away finding an answer that he forgot there’s still a reporter in front of him, waiting for an answer.

“Am I taking my time too long?” he chuckled. “I was too carried away.”

“We could skip this question and go to the next one if you want.”

He agreed to skip the question and answered the last three. Soon the interview was wrapped up and it’s done. He thanked the reporter for keeping up with him and the reporter gave back the same gratitude.

Somehow the question stayed in his mind longer than he expected it to be.

It was kind of familiar too, like he _asked_ the question once to someone he knew before.

* * *

—  


He remembered ( _he always remembers_ ) the time when something peculiar happened. He was 17 that time, happily skipping upstairs to his school-building’s rooftop with his bento box as he hums his favorite song of his favorite band. This is where he spends his lunches, sometimes with his twin and Suna, or typically just by himself- like today (he’s not with Osamu but he’s sure that his twin brother is with Suna instead, finally making a move or something, he don’t know). Their school’s rooftop is the most peaceful place Atsumu could think of, and he likes peace, quiet; a refreshing air to breathe, his way to destress from the previous class. And last but not the least, his delicious and warm bento box.

He thanks the universe for another day of peaceful lunchtime before opening the rooftop’s door.

Wait... _what?_

It’s _open_. Slightly opened.

There’s _someone_ inside?

It has confused Atsumu but he wouldn’t mind if someone’s already there, he could just go to his usual spot and have his peaceful lunch as long as the person would mind his own business as he minds his. He wouldn’t interfere with what the stranger would be doing, won’t even try to look at the stranger, he said to himself.

He inhaled ( _why?_ ) and swung the door open.

Atsumu said he won’t interfere or even look at the stranger.

But how could he _not?_

There’s a person- a man, a guy. He’s tall, has dark hair, a slim waist. Atsumu’s facing his back— 5 meters of distance between them. The stranger is standing— the rails behind his back, he’s leaning on them. He’s quiet- he’s looking down.

Atsumu looks with horror- is he trying to...?

“W-wait!” Atsumu pointed at the back of the stranger, which flinched when he realized there’s another person on this rooftop, “No! Please, don’t do that!” on a split second, the surprise made the stranger unbalanced but thank God (Atsumu thinks) the stranger held the rail behind him; tightly- suddenly the stranger was catching his breath.

Atsumu thinks the stranger felt his heart sank like he is feeling right now because of what happened, 

and he thinks he shouldn’t do that again. 

Nope, don’t ever shout to someone who’s not in the safe zone as they might fall.

Literally.

Atsumu doesn’t want that, don’t want someone die in front of him- in this time of a nice afternoon, in this time of a refreshing air to breathe to.

Atsumu mentally notes that to himself.

Even though the stranger was surprised at the sudden turn of events, the stranger didn’t answered, his back still facing Atsumu. He just stood there, like he didn’t hear anything more than the wind. “Please, no!” Atsumu pleads, shouting again. The stranger is still quiet, but is not looking down anymore, his grip on the rail still tight. Atsumu felt like he’s probably seeing things because of his hunger, but it’s not and this- what he sees right now is real.

Someone’s trying to jump off.

There’s silence- only the sound of the wind can be heard, be felt. Before, he thinks this wind is refreshing, but now there’s just a heavy feeling in his chest. The stranger with his back facing is quiet, _still_ quiet. Atsumu didn’t have a choice but to go near, to shorten that 5-meter distance between them, so that when the stranger actually tries to jump off this roof, this building, he will run as fast as he could to close that distance and he would be able to hold the stranger- he would talk it out to him that this is not the end, he would convince the stranger not to jump anymore. 

The 5-meter distance became 3, the stranger speaks- it was a question, which catches him off guard (because he got to hear the stranger’s voice), “Did Komori asked for your help?”

 _Who’s Komori?_ “I don’t even know Komori.”

Silence.

“C-come on,” Atsumu signaled using his hands- like calling a kid, as if the stranger could see him. “We can talk- or I’ll just listen. Please, don’t do this.” He grows more nervous when the stranger doesn’t reply. There was a pause, the stranger sighed, he turned around, go over the rail and the stranger is finally, safe. Atsumu sighed in relief. The three meters was a good distance and he’s now realizing that the stranger is taller than him.

Then Atsumu gets to see the stranger’s face.

His brown and honey-like shiny eyes meets the stranger’s black, dark and dim ones. The stranger is wearing a disposable face mask so he can’t see the face lying beneath (Atsumu is curious). The wind sweeping the stranger’s curly hair (he didn’t notice that until now) is met by Atsumu’s blonde-colored hair ( _is it bleached, or yellow?_ it kind of furrowed the stranger). Oh, Atsumu noticed the stranger’s beauty marks- it’s like a colon, the one just below his eyebrow and the other one on top of the other.

If there’s no face mask, Atsumu would be more convinced that the stranger is looking at him expressionless. Ah, now this is awkward. The things he said before opening the rooftop’s door came to his mind, he minded other’s business, interfered with someone he doesn’t know and he looked at the stranger.

And his peaceful lunch is now ruined.

Oh yeah, his lunch-

Growl.

The stranger’s eyes got wide when Atsumu’s stomach made an embarrassing sound. He forgot that he’s here to eat. God, he’s so embarrassed right now that he feels his blood rise up to his cheeks. He tried to laugh it off and he sheepishly scratched his nape. If only his stomach growls at the right fucking time and if only he has a volume control for the sounds his body makes, this would be manageable. He wants to curse (he just did), he wants the ground to eat him whole in this awkward situation.

“Uhh, yeah. I’ll eat there..” Atsumu said, “please, please don’t do that again.” he added. Atsumu is not waiting for the stranger to reply so he removes his gaze away to go to his spot. 

The stranger follows him.

It confuses him. _‘What d’ya want from me?'_ he thought. He’s kinda scared, this is not how he imagined the next events to be. He thought that the stranger will go down the rooftop and leave him to finally eat and have his peaceful lunch. But he’s still here, Atsumu is freaking out- wait, maybe there’s something behind his back and the stranger wants to remove it without him knowing?

Oh no, what if it’s not like that? What if the stranger was really angry to him because he stopped the stranger from jumping? But shouldn’t he be grateful? He saved his life. 

But that’s not the stranger wants?

Argh.

This whole lot of thinking is making Atsumu grow hungrier. He fastens his pace, almost running, quickly walking to the spot where he usually eats his lunch to. Before he could sit, he turned his back to face the stranger following him, making the stranger stop his tracks and stay still. There’s a decent distance between them, silence is shared between them too.

Atsumu manages to get his voice out, “What d’ya want from me?”

The stranger took his time before responding, almost a robot sound, but it’s also like a whisper, a soft voice that’s afraid to be heard. It’s quiet, but it’s also not ( _‘does that even make sense?’_ Atsumu thought). 

“I’m sorry... for ruining your lunch like that..”

Oh.

What does he reply? He’s lost for words. Why is this guy apologizing to him? Wait, actually yeah, his peaceful lunch is ruined, but why is he sorry? “Don’t mention it, it’s fine.” Atsumu replies, feeling a bit... lost? He doesn’t know, it’s really fine for him, it’s just the thought and the question of why- argh. He’s really hungry, ain’t he?

“If I jumped earlier...you wouldn’t see me a-“

“Nope, no. Don’t think like that.” Atsumu stopped the stranger. He looks at the stranger, trying to find his eyes. He found them after a while, and it’s really dark. He stared at him long enough and says, “Don’t do that again, dyin’ isn’t the only solution. You, you can get through this.” Atsumu slightly smiles.

The stranger was quiet once again, but then, “I don’t think I can. Whenever I try- I really can’t. I don’t think this- this living...is for me. The people around me... they don’t care anyway- I’m just a gay, piece of trash for them-“

“What about Komori?”

The stranger was taken aback, “H..he’s my cousin.”

Atsumu counters what the stranger said, “Don’t’ya think Komori will worry about ‘ya when yer gone? Ya asked me if Komori asked for my help to get’ya here, right? That means he cares, aight? That means there’s still someone worryin’ about ‘ya.”

“But still-“

Growl.

It’s not just Atsumu’s, but _also_ from the stranger’s. What a great, _great_ turn of events.

Now the both of them are embarrassed. The words to be said from the stranger’s mouth are nowhere to be found; flustered like Atsumu. Why is Atsumu not eating anyway? And oh, he’s standing, why didn’t he sit in his spot first? _'Arghhhh this is really, really humiliating.'_ Atsumu thought. 

What the hell.

“Y’know what?” Atsumu sighed, he sat in his spot crossed his legs, feeling relief from the soles of his feet that he didn’t realize until now, “D’ya have yer lunch with ‘ya?”

“I.. I have nothing up here.” The stranger replies, quiet and almost a whisper that only Atsumu gets to hear.

“I could share ‘ya mine. I have a lot, so I guess we’ll be fine.” He flashed his smile.

Atsumu unwrapped the cloth of his bento box, (wrinkled; because of the tension and fear, he tightly held the cloth), revealing three bento compartments stacked up into each other; the first box containing three onigiri rice balls that are well-wrapped with nori seaweeds, a divider that contains a mix of carrots, broccoli and cherry tomatoes; sprinkled with sesame seeds, drenched in soy sauce. While the second contains two rolls of tamagoyaki and an oh-so-big tori katsu with ketchup on the side; and the third contains a variation of fruits and a pack of biscuits for dessert and snacks. He also has his yellow tumbler of water.

Atsumu is glad he got two sets of chopsticks- more glad that the other chopsticks are clean and not the ones he used yesterday (this is probably Osamu’s), he offered the chopsticks to the stranger, but before the stranger puts it into use, he got a pack of wipes out of his pocket and wiped the chopsticks Atsumu offered him.

The stranger removed his white disposable face mask and Atsumu got to see his whole face for the first time. His skin is fair, he has a pointy nose and a good color of lips (yeah, a _good_ color of lips). He watched the stranger put his face mask onto a tissue paper and inside his other pocket.

They ate after that, sharing the food and side-dishes that could be shared. Atsumu giving one onigiri to the stranger, the other tamagoyaki and two pork cutlets. The stranger asked for the pickled vegetables to which he gladly gave, he also shared the strawberries, blueberries and the pack of crackers after they gobbled up the whole two compartments. Atsumu was pretty satisfied with that, and he can see the stranger is the same.

Atsumu pretty much had a peaceful lunch like that, but this time it’s with someone.

* * *

—

Another day, another lunchtime.

Just like yesterday, Atsumu is on his way upstairs to go to the rooftop at their school-building. What happened yesterday, and the stranger- didn't left his mind; it kept him awake most of the night and almost made him miss his first class but fortunately, his twin brother woke him up (that was actually nice of Osamu because most of the time he just leaves his other twin and goes to school without him (sometimes with Suna)) when he felt his twin brother's palm slap on his face- way too loud. The slap stung, so bad, (Atsumu takes back the thought that it was nice of his brother to wake him up) but Atsumu is glad the red mark of Osamu's palm faded away as he got to school.

Well, about when he the thought of the stranger kept him awake most of the night, it's because it scared the hell out of him; every fiber of his being. Whenever he closes his eyes he sees the stranger on the rooftop- not in the safe zone and that struck in him. Atsumu doesn't want to encounter _that_ again. Particularly now as he's pissed off of his last class- literature- because he mispronounced a word when he thought that was the right pronunciation- all of his life. Atsumu sighs as he remembers what happened and quietly goes upstairs.

He's in front of the door now. He inhales air for a while, then exhales.

He won't see someone trying to jump off again, no?

Atsumu opened the door, he exhales out the air he's been holding (he didn't even realize) when he saw nobody was trying to take their precious life away. And so he was alone? (Osamu and Suna was nowhere to be found and probably went on a lunch date that Atsumu is glad of as he won't see those two obliviously pin and flirt with each other) That made Atsumu feel at peace. But somehow, at the back of his mind, at the bottom of his heart,

he expects _someone_.

But he shouldn't, as long as that curly-hair stranger is in the safe bounds and not beyond the rooftop's safe zone, it's fine. He hopes that the Komori (he's the cousin of curly-hair stranger, Atsumu mentally reminds himself), accompanies curly-hair stranger and looks out for him so he's always safe.

And come to think of it, he didn't even get to know the stranger's name (which is just fair because the stranger didn't get to know his anyway), but he knows the name of the stranger's cousin. Atsumu is too occupied with the stranger's thoughts that he named the stranger in his head, curly-hair or curly-kun.

And he's too occupied to notice that someone was _already_ sitting with their legs crossed beside his favorite spot on this rooftop.

Very, very occupied that Atsumu finally- noticed the man when he stood up, covered Atsumu's entire being with his shadow. It surprised the hell out of him, "O-oh hey!! Yer here...!" he said, surprise still evident in his face. It's curly-kun, the stranger who invaded his mind the whole yesterday. Atsumu felt (surprisingly) at ease; curly-kun's not standing beyond the safe zone but he stands in front of him. He's not supposed to think of curly-kun today and eat his lunch peacefully on this peaceful rooftop but oh well, he's here- and oh, Atsumu's eyes spots curly-kun's right hand holding a... what seems like a bento box.

Does this mean....curly-kun's waiting for him and will ask him to have lunch together???

 _'too bold of you to assume, 'Tsumu'_ Atsumu thought.

"I...wanted to thank..you for yesterday." curly-kun speaks; voice so low, so soft like a quiet whisper, so (unusually) calm- Atsumu goes back to the real world. He wasn't able to comprehend that for a second but now he's back. Curly-kun thanked him.

Curly-kun...thanked- _thanked_ him?!?!!

"N-no.." a cough to prevent himself from embarrassing himself, "no worries! 'Ya- 'Ya came here to lunch with me?"

"Only if you want me to."

—

And so they're here, eating their food inside their bento boxes. It was quiet, it was...peaceful. The sound of the wind passing through the trees and the falling leaves could be heard; the sky is so blue, it's not too sunny, not too shady as well; it's just right, just enough. It was a nice lunch- a peaceful lunch even, if Atsumu would exaggerate. Though sometimes, he would look at curly-kun beside him- Atsumu would see the curly-kun's side profile, eating quietly, chewing the food slowly. Atsumu notices curly-kun's Adam's apple bobbing up, then down- as he gulps down the food. Then he would secretly eye the way curly-kun's Adam's apple bob up and down multiple times as he drinks his water. He would notice how he cleans his mouth with his wipes he gets out of his pocket and he would watch how curly-kun aligns the cloth to his bento box; carefully and gently tying a knot to secure his bento box inside.

Atsumu notices a lot of things, doesn't he?

"Y'know, curly-kun.." Atsumu breaks the silence between them, striking up a conversation after a one satisfying lunch and a few minutes before their school-bell rings, "Yer quite attractive."

"'Curly-kun?'" the curly-haired stranger quotes Atsumu, then puts his face mask up, _damn_ "I have a name you know..."

Oh. Oh crap. Did he just blurted out 'curly-kun' to curly-kun?!?!

"But I don't know yer name, t-that's why.." Atsumu admits, to which the curly-kun replies, "I don't know yours too."

"Okay, allow me to introduce myself." Atsumu straightens his posture, "I'm Miya Atsumu." He proudly said. Curly-kun didn't seem to be amused though. "Now that you know mine, isn't it fair that I get to know yer name too?" Atsumu says, challenging curly-kun, "But if 'ya don't want me to know yers, I guess... that's fine too.." Atsumu added and flashed his smile; one that would not worry the other. The curly-haired stranger looks at him and he sighs (a sigh of defeat?),

"It's Sakusa Kiyoomi." he said as he rushed to the rooftop's door and- he disappeared from Atsumu's sight by then.

And so it seems like, getting curly-kun- Sakusa Kiyoomi out of his mind is getting a bit harder and difficult, almost impossible if he would say.

Their school-bell rings.

* * *

—

Miya Atsumu made Sakusa Kiyoomi smile three times.

Those smiles of him were... genuine. Atsumu was sure those smiles were genuine. It was soft, as if he felt the warmth of a sunny day- his surroundings getting brighter and the things around him; if Atsumu knew better, he was mesmerized, he would conclude that the fast heartbeats, the stomach churns, he getting surprised- it must be love. But Atsumu don’t know what to do with these feelings in the time, he don’t know why he’s feeling those feelings in the time.

Atsumu doesn’t realize that he wakes up with his mind thinking about someone. Maybe Atsumu doesn’t realize that he brings an extra pair of chopsticks ever since he met Sakusa Kiyoomi, he maybe doesn’t realize the way he skips upstairs just to arrive 2 seconds earlier than yesterday on the rooftop and to look for a certain curly-haired guy. Maybe everything just came natural to him; like he’s been doing it more than the two months they’ve met, like he really knew Sakusa Kiyoomi even before. Like their first meeting isn’t peculiar anymore.

But Miya Atsumu knows he doesn’t really know Sakusa Kiyoomi.

And he has never seen him smile either.

It was a shady afternoon and two months have passed ever since Atsumu met Sakusa Kiyoomi in such a peculiar way. He’s thankful though, because at the times when Osamu’s with Suna (not like he’s complaining), he have someone to talk to, to eat lunch to, on the windy rooftop other than his twin brother and his twin-brother’s love interest (Suna). He have Sakusa Kiyoomi now.

Maybe sometimes, having someone isn’t that bad.

And instead of eating lunch, Atsumu was doing his assignment for his next class- in the last minute. Meanwhile Sakusa beside him, is quietly eating his grilled tuna with pickled vegetables as his side-dish.

”Why did I forget this last night?“ Atsumu whispers as he writes his answer in the number 7 at the same time. “But I didn’t forget it tho?” he whispered again, he looked up as he tries to remember what happened last night. He didn’t forget it, he was actually doing it last night- but he got sleepy and the next thing he knew, it was already morning. And now he’s here, rushing the answers.

”Don’t rush...take your time.” Sakusa beside him speaks up. Atsumu’s ears were too sharp that he stopped writing when he heard curly-kun’s (he still calls Sakusa curly-kun in his mind) voice. He looked at Sakusa with surprise- it was the first time curly-kun beside him spoke up without him speaking first.

Sakusa gives him a confused, _did-I-said-something-wrong-?_ , face. “I won’t have time to eat if I didn’t, Sakusa-kun.” Atsumu replies, thinking that ‘Sakusa-kun’ is such a mouthful that he wants to go back at calling him ‘curly-kun’ instead. “There’s...plenty of time.. or do both things at the same time?” Sakusa said back, suggesting what Atsumu should do.

He thinks about it, but he won’t be able to focus, “I won’t be able to focus, though.”

Sakusa didn’t reply. Instead, he finished up the last bite of rice and a little part he saved up of the grilled mackarel, he chewed it quietly and gulped down. He drinks his water, then he drops his chopsticks and just like in the last two months, he would clean his chopsticks with his wipes first before putting it with his closed bento box then he gently and neatly ties up the cloth. Then he wipes his mouth with his newly pulled out wipes.

Atsumu watched everything. _damn_ , he thought.

”Did I took my time.. too long?” Sakusa asked. Silence. “I’ll help you.. let me answer the last numbers... you eat your lunch.” He added.

”Sakusa-kun.... are ‘ya for _real_?” Atsumu doesn’t understand (yet) why but he feels his heart skipping a beat. “Are ‘ya for really real?” he looked at curly-kun with appreciative eyes, how can he give back this help Sakusa’s offering him? He asks himself, but first, it’s time to get that math assignment finished. Atsumu gives his book for Sakusa to continue where he left off, and to check if his answers are correct. He whispers a “thank you”, with a voice so quiet but enough for curly-kun to hear. Sakusa didn’t reply and started to get his eyes on Atsumu’s homework.

Atsumu opens his bento box and he’s welcomed by the smell of delicious tamagoyaki and beef steak, with a lot of rice. He eats them happily and he tastes the deliciousness of his lunch, making him feeling a lot better. Curly-kun beside him is quiet ever since he answered Atsumu’s assignment, but he didn’t mind. This silence is peaceful, it’s comfortable because he knows Sakusa is just beside him.

But there’s a saying that ‘curiousity kills’ and so Atsumu takes a look on the person sitting with their crossed legs- like him- beside him.

It surprised him. It was the most expressive face of Sakusa Atsumu ever saw. He could see that curly-kun’s in deep thinking. There’s a scowl on his face, thinking and carefully analyzing what the answer on the number 9 might be. Atsumu looks at his two beauty marks, resting on the top of his eyebrow; it really is beautiful. Suddenly, Atsumu forgets about his lunch and was observing Sakusa quietly instead in the next few minutes, his brows meets- as if thinking that Sakusa looked like-

”Is there something in my face?”

Ah. How will he make an excuse to this?

 _Fuck it._ “Sakusa-kun, ‘ya look like...” his brows furrowed more, “wait, lemme borrow..” he gets his pen and book to his and he draws something. Sakusa goes closer to Atsumu to take a better look. It was 5 symbols: two dots, a greater than, an equal sign and a forward slash.

”..that. I was lookin’ at ‘ya and yer so focused ‘ya really looked like that, I ain’t makin’ the rules, ‘ya really resemble that.” 

_.. >=/_

”Miya, this is not a joke time.” Sakusa takes a closer look. “Why do you think I look like that.” A little smile creeping up on his face, he tries suppressing it, “No- nope. I don’t look li- _pfffftt_ ” he covers his mouth, his eyes a little bit wrinkled and closed because of the smile. And Atsumu saw them _all_. Now, how would Atsumu get Sakusa Kiyoomi- _this_ Sakusa Kiyoomi- out of his mind? Oh no, he’s _doomed_. How could someone get _more_ beautiful- more attractive with just the smile of theirs?

After a good ten seconds ( _God, it’s so short but it felt so long_ ), Sakusa deeply inhaled and stopped preventing his laugh and again, he’s back to his self- the one Atsumu is very much used to. He snatched the pen and the book away from Atsumu and continued answering the two remaining numbers as if nothing happened.

Atsumu’s lunch ended with a finished homework in hand. He got a perfect.

Atsumu’s day ended in the bottom bunk of the double-deck bed he and Osamu share, with a smile in his face thinking of a smile of someone and wondering when he’ll see that smile for another time again.

—

The Gods seem to favor Miya Atsumu that shortly after the first incident, he saw Sakusa Kiyoomi smile once again.

It was in the rooftop, lately Atsumu was randomly asking Saku-kun (Atsumu asked Sakusa if he could call him that (because Sakusa-kun is a mouthful) and even though Sakusa doesn’t want him to, he still does call him Saku-kun) to which he would add a joke after to see if Sakusa would laugh in hopes of seeing the tender smile from the latter once again.

But Atsumu always fails and Sakusa tells him that his jokes are lame and corny.

Today was no different though, Atsumu would ask random things like “What d’ya call a pig that does karate?” then he drops the joke “A pork chop!” with a loud laugh. “Why did the bike fall over? Because it was two-tired. D’ya get it?” a laugh. “What d’ya call an alligator detective? An investi-gator!” a laugh with him holding his abdomen. Sakusa never laughed at all. Atsumu thinks that the jokes are so funny though, he doesn’t understand why Saku-kun doesn't find his jokes funny. He noticed Saku-kun getting a bit more careful too, is he afraid Atsumu would get another glance at seeing him smile? No one will ever know. They were eating their lunch peacefully when Atsumu randomly asks a question for the nth time of the day.

"What's happiness for 'ya?"

Sakusa stopped chewing. He looked over at Atsumu who was looking at him too- he was really, really curious; not a sarcastic question. _What's happiness for me?_ He never thought about it so deeply. Because never in his life did he experience being happy. There was a pause, then he speaks, honestly answering the blonde-hair's question beside him, "I...I don't know."

"Why do 'ya not know?" Atsumu questions him again, to which he answers, "Because you're asking me something I have never really felt." It's true, Sakusa is a stranger when it comes to being happy. He has never known what the feeling was, is coming home to be welcomed with punches, slaps and harsh descriptions and insults about his being is happiness? Is that even _home_? How do you even know you're happy? Atsumu became silent with Sakusa's reply. But Sakusa speaks again, he was asking, "What's happiness to you?"

"Uhhh.." Atsumu thought hard, "...I think it's being contented? With what I have, without asking for more, with no more regrets, grudges, bein' able 'ta sleep easy at night?" Sakusa asked him again, "Are you contented right now? WIth what you have?" to which he answered with, "Nope, I'm not contented yet. I mentioned to 'ya before that I'm goin' pro, right?" Sakusa nods, "So I guess when I get that's when I'll be contented."

"That means that's just when you'll be happy?"

"Nope, Saku-kun. That will be when I'm _fully,_ happy. Because even if I'm not contented now, I'm feelin' happy. Right now, I'm happy."

Silence. "If... I could make an insight from your answer... I think that happiness... is a lie."

"Why do 'ya think so?"

"It's something people use to run away. It's temporary and you'll never know when you'll be gone you just tell yourself you're happy and be ignorant to everything around you... Even if everything is breaking into pieces."

"Yer damn deep, Saku-kun." Atsumu answers, "Someday I'll prove to 'ya that happiness isn't a lie." he lifts up his hands and his fingers wiggles as he goes closer to Sakusa, who's not letting Atsumu close- he knows what is about to happen and he will not let it happen.

But then it's too late Atsumu said, "I'm sure 'ya won't be able 'ta resist this-" and he was tickling Sakusa, finding his ticklish spot. He tries to tickle his sides of torso first, (it's also Atsumu's most ticklish part so he checks it out), he just noticed how Saku-kun's waist are kind of slim- seeing if he would get a reaction from Saku-kun but he's moving non-stop to not give what Atsumu wants. He then moves on and tries tickling Saku-kun's shoulders and he got a reaction; Sakusa's leaning his head to where Atsumu's tickling him to he can stop this annoyingly-tingly sensation he is feeling. Atsumu doesn't stop though and he uses his other hand to tickle Sakusa's nape and Sakusa bobs his head back, his shoulders rising up and eyes closing tight while at the same time pushing Atsumu's body away from him. He has to find a way to grasp Atsumu's hands- or his wrist- tightly so that those hands would never ever touch him again. But goddamn Atsumu's so persistent.

Sakusa can't hold it any longer that he released a tiny, breathy, " _pffttt- hahahaha_ " laugh with a little smile. Ah, _damn_ was the only word that came in Atsumu's mind once again, he'll never get used to seeing this that he slowly stopped and Sakusa's holding his wrists tightly, the smile not plastered on his face anymore, "I swear.. if you ever do this again.. I'll stop coming here." he takes off his glance to Atsumu- like telling him to not tell it to anyone, a light color of pink evident in Sakusa's cheeks, Atsumu got flustered by it- now he's redder than Sakusa who's still holding his wrists. Curly-kun releases Atsumu's wrist from his touch and he replies, "I... I'm sorry. That was too tight."

It was then quiet, Atsumu goes back to his eating and they pretty much finished their lunch like nothing ever happened.

Atsumu asks Sakusa again but it's not a joke this time, "Can I call 'ya, Omi-kun?"

"Even if I said I don't want to, you'll still do it anyway."

Atsumu felt like it's approval. But if it's not like that, it's true that he would still call Sakusa 'Omi-kun'. And he's glad. The three syllables rolling out from his mouth is very smooth and he likes this new nickname he made for Sakusa.

And Atsumu was sure he'll be haunted by Omi-kun's tiny laugh; it's forever stored in his heart.

* * *

—

_"I wish I never met you."_

_"Why?"_

_"Goodbye."_

_Sakusa's figure is getting smaller; their distance getting bigger. Atsumu tries to reach for him- he tries to run closer, but he never caught up. Atsumu tries to hold his hand, but there was no hand to hold on to anymore. He tries and tries, but now everything is dark-_

Atsumu opens his eyes. It was a dream; a _nightmare_. He dreamt of _him_ once again. He looks over his surroundings- it's dark and his bedside lamp is his only light. Oh, it started snowing too. Atsumu gets up in bed, afraid that when he sleeps, he'll dream about _something_ again. He checks his phone and it took time for his eyes to adjust to the brightness of the phone, _2:07, 13th of November, 2020_ is the time and date flashed in his lock screen, but he didn't mind and goes to the dialer app to call someone.

_[Why 'ya callin' so early-]_

"I dreamt of him again."

_[Oh.]_

"Can I... come by?"

_[Well, 'ya woke Rin too, so I guess it'll be fine.]_

_[I'll cook somethin' for us to eat too...]_

"Thanks, 'Samu"

_[Call Ended.]_

* * *

—

"So tell us, what was the dream about?" Suna starts, even before the twin takes their first bite of the Mac 'n cheese Osamu reheated before Atsumu arrived. Suna doesn't want to ask in the first place about him as it's his not his place to, but Atsumu woke him and his twin-brother up who he was hugging at the time so Atsumu owes him for this one. Atsumu took his time to answer and he says, "Eh..I was catching him up but I can't and then it's all black then I woke up."

Suna answered a "hmm" and nods. Osamu, who was quiet and is eating his mac 'n cheese speaks up, "'ya can spend the night here if 'ya don't wanna go home." and Atsumu answers with a "thanks", that Suna commented to Osamu, "you care about your brother so much, I want that care all to me you know." And Osamu replies, giving a meaningful smirk in his mouth, "We can do _everything_ later as long as 'ya want." he gives Suna a wink. And Atsumu watched this whole flirting thing that it made him almost puke out the mac 'n cheese he's chewing. God, they're so sweet. Haven't they moved on to the flirting stage already? Aren't they married already? What the fuck. "If 'ya two are doing things tonight, I guess I'll just go after I finish this."

"We'll be quiet though..."

"God! Get a room!"

"'Tsumu, fucking calm yourself down, the neighbors will hear 'ya screaming."

After all that eating Atsumu goes to his room here in Osamu's. He has a room for his brother there in his house too. Atsumu was kind of glad the room is swept clean and the bed is neat. Osamu and Suna were the only ones who got to know about Sakusa and they knew Atsumu loves him so much before Atsumu knew it himself. They would give Atsumu advice when he tells his problems to them. They were the only ones who knows about how Sakusa smiled at Atsumu when he drew him through symbols. They would listen whenever Atsumu finds himself on the slumps and crying because of someone who'll never come back. They would comfort him through food, through little conversations, through the room Osamu decided to give to Atsumu here in his and Suna's home- and Atsumu thinks that is enough. Atsumu could not ask for more and he's thankful he got a twin-brother and his twin-brother's husband- one that would take care of Osamu more than him; Suna and Osamu on the other hand, are thankful because Atsumu goes to them. Because someday, they know Atsumu will bring himself back up and they'll support him at that. Osamu might not say he loves his twin-brother, but he would never ever want to see Atsumu with swollen eyes, hugging himself- silently crying himself to sleep in the middle of the night. But there's no need to tell that to the other.

Atsumu's lying comfortably on the bed like it's his home. Osamu checks up at him and Atsumu looks back to see Suna back hugging him. God, they're so flirty in almost three in the morning.

"'Ya doing fine here?" Osamu asks and Atsumu replies, "Very. Though I hope I'll be sleepin' here peacefully." Atsumu emphasizes the 'peacefully' and Suna, who's back hugging and is putting his head on top of Osamu's right shoulder- laughs. "Yeah, yeah. You'll hear no sound, trust me." Osamu's face gets tomato-red when he felt Suna kiss him on the crook of his neck. "A-are 'ya sure yer okay?" he stutters, getting the butterflies in his stomach wild because of what Suna did.

"More than 'ya." Atsumu said and made an 'okay' sign using his hands, his face giving them a disgusting look, "'Ya get out of here."

Osamu closed the door and Atsumu heard Suna said, "Oh, it's snowing?"

_I'll be okay._

* * *

—

It's winter.

18-year old MIya Atsumu, for the first time, meets Sakusa Kiyoomi in a drink vending machine, wearing a thick black jacket and seems to be having a deep thought on what drink he should buy. He surprised Sakusa but he didn't flinch and he even said "I...was hoping you'll not go toward me but you did." that made Atsumu frown. When Sakusa finally bought a drink he goes to the bench beside the vending machine to sit and he opened the Premium Boss canned coffee, Sakusa sniffs the opened can and sips- the warm coffee getting into his system and into his nerves. Atsumu then goes and sits next to him and he got the same brand of coffee, except it's black. Sakusa warms his hands by rubbing his palms in this oh-so-cold winter but he can't seem to warm it up more. Atsumu sees this,

"Omi-kun," he really likes calling Sakusa this nickname the most, "could you hold this for me?" He gave Sakusa his unopened canned coffee- it's warm in Sakusa's hands. Then he proceeds to rub his two palms together. After a few seconds, Atsumu hands makes contact with Sakusa's- making him feel so much warmth. It happened for a while and they're both so still and quiet; Atsumu breaks the silence with a question, "Better?"

Sakusa can't help but give him a tender smile, Atsumu thinks it's so sudden and he can feel his heart pounding- Sakusa replies, "Thanks." Atsumu removes his hands onto Sakusa's and Atsumu can't help but wonder when will he have the balls to go closer at Sakusa again, when will be the next time he gets to hold Sakusa's hand, or will there be a next time. Sakusa gives him back the canned coffee and Atsumu opened it, the aroma of the coffee seeping through the opening and Atsumu calms at the smell. He sips and there's warmth entering his body. Sakusa asks him,

"Why... are you here? It's kinda late."

"I saw 'ya.. so I thought, why not have a coffee session (he's got no balls to say ' _date_ ') with 'ya?" he sips the coffee- warm, "how 'bout 'ya? Why're 'ya here?"

"Circumstances." Sakusa replied. One word that kept Atsumu's mouth shut. He truly doesn't know how Sakusa lives. He doesn't know where his house is. Does he have his parents or just his grandparents? Does he eat dinner, can he sleep tight? Those questions visit him from time to time and he doesn't want to ask because it might make the latter uncomfortable. He looks at Sakusa who's blowing his hot coffee before sipping it. Atsumu finds comfort in this sight. He could live in the mornings where he wakes up and he sips his coffee with Sakusa beside him. God, is it normal to imagine yourself with someone being intimate in the next few years? He'll never know. Atsumu was too carried away by his thoughts that Sakusa looks back at him- a look that's telling Atsumu _something_. When Atsumu noticed this, he turns his glance away quickly and he sipped his coffee.

Now Sakusa's the one who's looking at him; he noticed his blonde, soft hair that he would want to touch, but he couldn't bring himself to. Sakusa notices Atsumu's side profile and how his nose match his face; his eyes that when it looks at him, it makes him wonder if there's something in his face- his brown eyes that shines most of the time. Sakusa remembers how Atsumu flashes his smile and he never fails to somehow lift his mood up. He remembers the peaceful lunchtimes they've shared and the glances Sakusa snatched when Atsumu's not looking. He remembers how fast he goes to the rooftop just to eat lunch with him. He remembers the symbols Atsumu used that resembles him, that he somehow really liked. He remembers the 4 months they've shared. Heck, he might not forget Atsumu anymore.

They're walking onto the sidewalk and Sakusa wonders if he deserves this- this everything, this Miya Atsumu in front of him. If he gives in and would let his guard completely down, will Miya Atsumu be here for him? Will the pain- the sufferings, the tears go away if he has Miya Atsumu by his side? Will it be not selfish of him if he gets Miya Atsumu to stay by his side unlike what his family says about him? Will he be free from this pain? Will he be happy? And content, like how Atsumu defined happiness?

But what if he doesn't? What if Miya Atsumu doesn't feel the same way? Maybe Miya Atsumu is not for him. Maybe Miya Atsumu is just an illusion that Sakusa uses to cope up with this goddamn life. Maybe there's no more escape. He's hopeless. Sakusa thinks he shouldn't burden Miya Atsumu with this. He's the only one who should face this persona of him, he's the only one who should solve this. He should not depend on Miya Atsumu anymore. Miya Atsumu should not feel attached to him more than he is. Maybe he should end this thing with Miya Atsumu tonight- to spare him from pain, the suffering. Maybe it's time for him to go. Maybe this is the right thing to do, the endgame, his fate.

The night is quiet. They're still walking on the sidewalk and the stars in the sky could be seen. Atsumu looks at them with adoration; Sakusa takes a glance of him and his heart breaks. He doesn't want this, but most of the time there's life that just fucks him up; that makes him think that things need to end, so he stayed calm and composed. He speaks up, "You know..." he stops and waits for Atsumu to look at him, "sometimes I wish I'd never met new people." Atsumu begins to overthink, his mind forms questions but all he could answer to Omi-kun is "Why?"

"Because I don't deserve them. Because I don't want them to suffer because of me." Sakusa inhales, he continues "I don't want to meet new people anymore, I don't want them attached to me. I don't want to be attached to anyone anymore." 

"W-what are you trying to say?" Atsumu asks, afraid that this is their last time together. Afraid that Omi-kun will go and leave him alone.

Sakusa inhales once more, this is for the better, he convinces himself, "I do not regret meeting you there in the rooftop, Miya. But I wish I'd never met you in the first place." he gives Atsumu a sad smile.

Atsumu's heart is beating so fast, he felt his heart break. _Why_ was all that came in his mind. "Why? Does things with 'ya always end like this? Aren't you happy with me?" Atsumu's eyes started tearing up, Sakusa's heart breaks more. He answers, "Come on, Miya. One way or another, it'll end like this. I don't want you be attached to me."

"You're free now."

"But I already am. And yer hurting me so much." he wipes his tears, looks straight at Sakusa whose eyes are glistening just like him, "But you could still turn around and think that you never knew me. You could still forget; if I could go back to _that_ day, I should've jumped already before you opened the door."

"Omi-kun don't leave. I can help 'ya- I-I'll suffer with 'ya. I'll be here for 'ya-" Atsumu pleads, but he knows Sakusa will never change his mind. He calmly holds Atsumu's hands, "Your hands are so precious, someone deserves to hold it more than I am."

Silence, Atsumu's cries and his tears falling is what Sakusa could only see; the warm coffee and the starry sky forgotten- Sakusa proceeds to say, "I don't want to see you cry because of me. I don't want you to suffer with me. I will not be able to comfort you because I'll be gone by then."

"Then... d-don't leave me.."

"But it'll get harder.. things in life are temporary, Miya...whether we want or not, things- people, they leave."

"T-then... st-stay for a b-bit longer?" Atsumu sniffs.

Sakusa painfully shakes his head as a no, "I must go... Would you smile for me?"

"N-no." Atsumu cries out, but he inhales, he sniffs and he prevents the tears from falling. He gives Sakusa a smile-a sad one, of pain, a smile of saying goodbye, even though he doesn't want to, even though he hated this- this Sakusa Kiyoomi in front of him. Even though it pains him- but he knows Sakusa is the one that's more hurt than him. Atsumu asks for a one last request, one that he'll remember forever and bring with his whole life, one that he'll only feel once- one that he'll long for,

"C-can I... hug..?"

Sakusa lets go Atsumu's hands and he opens his arms, "Come." he said.

They hugged. Atsumu snakes his arms to Sakusa's shoulders, Sakusa's on his waist. They stayed like that for a bit longer, Atsumu cried louder, he held onto Sakusa tightly. Sakusa let him. "I-I... I don-don't want t-to let g-go." a sniff, "w-what y-yer gonna d-do with t-that h-huh?"

Sakusa pulled Atsumu's body away. This weakens him. He tries- but maybe it's just fine if they stayed like this for longer.

"I-I need t-to go, M-Miya."

"No..."

Sakusa managed to pull away. He sees Atsumu's a mess. He painfully resists the urge to wipe the man's tears. He _shouldn't_ do that. He doesn't have the right to do that.

Sakusa takes a look at Atsumu for one last time.

"W-will 'ya be h-happy?" Atsumu manages to ask. Sakusa was surprised at first, but he answers, "I will be."

That's all it took for Miya Atsumu to watch Sakusa Kiyoomi go.

Sakusa Kiyoomi puts more distance between them, and Miya Atsumu can't do anything about it but watch him go and hear his heart broken into pieces.

* * *

—

"Oh, so yer Komori Motoya?"

"Yes, and you're Miya Atsumu?"

"Yes." Atsumu agrees. Komori Motoya, the cousin of Sakusa Kiyoomi. He's meeting up with him because Komori's apparently been trying to contact him and that he has something to give to Atsumu. He's on his third year of high school now. He let Osamu and Suna go first in their class without him. Komori said that he'll be going far from Hyogo and this is the only chance he has to give him the thing.

"I hope you're doing great. Uhm... Kiyo- Sakusa told me about you... and I'm here to give you something." he hands Atsumu an envelope to what he thinks is a letter. He receives this and Komori speaks, "Sakusa said that I should give this to you.. and your class might be starting so, I'll go now. Goodbye."

Atsumu didn't even get to say goodbye back.

Late that night, he managed to open the envelope Komori gave him. It was indeed a letter.

And now, Miya Atsumu have come to memorize the grooves of Sakusa's writing- the way the round letters curve, and how straight the i's and i's were. He knows that it has 107 words, probably because he had read it multiple times. He noticed the faded spot in the word "smile"- it's like a tear. And it's not his.

* * *

—

"Hi Omi-Omi, I'm here again. "Ya won't be able to stop me from callin' 'ya nicknames, ha! Happy new year to 'ya. It's always around this time of the year when 'ya visit my mind the most... h-how are 'ya? I hope yer doing fine wherever 'ya are." Atsumu inhales. Preventing his voice to crack or shake. "I bought you daffodils- I searched the internet and it means new beginnings- or rebirth. And I hope this is your favorite too... I've read your letter again too.. I memorized it by now.." Ah, he really can't prevent these tears, no? "And uhhh... last Wednesday, I was asked by the reporter what happiness for me was... to be honest, I don't know what to answer."

"But I think I know now... it's y-you, Omi-Omi. It's still you." Atsumu sniffs, he wipes the grave plate as if it was Sakusa's face. His tears falling down like a waterfall. Droplets of his tears falling onto the grave plate. "I-I hope yer in the safe and happiest place now. I'm wonderin' why the pain is still here when it's been eight years already?" he cries more, and it's true. Happiness isn't just contentment for him. It's something that blooms; it could be the comfort for someone like a sun shining in a nice afternoon; like the first time Atsumu saw Sakusa smile. It is not selfish; it's to be given, to be shared- to be felt. The giddy feeling that makes you smile and laugh; makes your eyes close with visible wrinkles on your face. It would make your stomach churn; could tint your cheeks pink. It's something natural and genuine- a one of a kind. It's an eternal bliss; an eternal collection of memories to be cherished and treasured.

Atsumu was silent and he stared at the grave, it's just the name "Sakusa Kiyoomi" and the date only engraved in the plate. His eyes sting from the crying, he manages to speak,

"I miss you..."

It was quite windy in the snowy morning. But he finds comfort at the wind sweeping him- it's gentle. Like someone's hugging him- comforting him.

* * *

—

_Miya Atsumu,_

_Yes, I have come to accept that I am wrong. You've proved to me that happiness isn't a lie, it isn't being ignorant like I think it is._

_You’ve made me smile in the time I’m the most hopeless. You gave me strength, and made me stay, even for just a little bit longer. You were there when nobody was._

_But what I said to you before, will stay the same._

_I wish I’d never met you,_

_because it will be easier for me to go._

_But is it selfish of me if I tell you to not forget me?_

_Here's a smiling Sakusa,_

_..=)_

**Author's Note:**

> i might not fully expressed Sakusa and Atsumu, but i enjoyed writing this as much as this drained me. you can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/happikoushi) too and follow me there. i hope you enjoyed reading this- and i just wanna say sorry to SakuAtsu stans D: ill make it up to all of you soon.
> 
> ill try to publish as much haikyuu!! fanfics soon so i hope you will still read it.
> 
> this is such a new and good experience to me. and me writing something that i've experienced- i have a suicidal friend and now he's happy and better- before and i don't know if people would relate to how i applied my experience to this fanfic but i hope i haven't offended anyone.
> 
> soooo that's that :)) thank you for reading, yel out!


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